Thursday, 17 November 2011
Samurai, how do I say goodbye?
It is with a broken heart that I write this post. My beautiful dog Samurai passed away yesterday and I'm just grief-stricken. He was so much more than just a dog, you see he was truly my best friend and my soul mate. For the past 13 years he's been by my side through thick and thin and seen me through the darkest times of my life. Times during which I had all but given up on life. But he was there and he was my light and he gave me reason to fight on and more importantly to live on.
Because of him I ended up changing my life completely and meeting the most incredible man who I know I will spend my life with. And here we are Samurai is gone and Kenny and I are full of such incredible sadness, regret and guilt. Nobody warns you about that, the guilt you feel when you euthanise an incredibly loved pet.
My boy was old, he couldn't walk properly due to a spinal disc rupture a few years back, he was riddled with arthritis, he had an internal tumour which we had no idea how big it was or if it was indeed still growing at all, he also had a large tumour in the back of his mouth and more tumours growing on the other side of his mouth which we spotted 2 weeks ago which weren't there about a month ago. There was also an 'inconclusive' diagnosis of Cushings disease and not to mention the laryngeal paralysis. Gosh do I need to go on. This is the first time I've written everything down 'on paper' and that's quite a generalised list not breaking it down into specifics. I could be here all day if I did that!! It was the laryngeal paralysis which in the end gave us the biggest scare where after a walk Samurai couldn't breath and seemed to be suffocating. It was then we made the horrible decision.
We spoke to the vet and organised a home visit, we went to the crematorium to make sure everything would be done properly and he would be cremated on his own and treated with respect we planned and we planned. So yesterday his vet Zoe came over, he was snoozing in my scrapping room, his usual place at that time of the morning as I'm usually sat in there. First she sedated him as he hates needles, oh how he cried when she injected him in the back of the neck and how I cried to see him so scared. It was only momentary more his fear of needles than pain, he ran off to the vet nurse Charlotte for a grumpy cuddle and then came back to his matt where he quickly became sleepy. I lay beside him cuddling him nose to nose as they prepared his paw for the final injection and as she filled his veins with the awful blue poison I stroked him and told him to go sleep, that mummy was there and that I loved him so much and Kenny sat on the other side of him and told him he was there too, and we watched whilst his body gasped for air and sobbed and sobbed.
We went for our last road trip together, all the time I kept looking over expecting him to get up and sit between us like he usually does. He looked so peaceful and so calm, he just looked so beautiful and I still cant stop crying thinking of it. We attended the cremation, determined to see him through to the end, my lips the last to kiss his muzzle and my my hands and arms the last to stroke and cuddle him.
So there it is, everything that was wrong with my boy, my head tells me it's amazing that he lived this long but yet my heart keeps screaming out I didn't try hard enough, I didn't do enough for him , I gave up on him, I let him down, it was too soon, I should have waited, I killed my boy, my soul mate!!! How could I do such a thing!!! How could I give up on him after all the loyalty and love he's given me. Will this pass?? Will I be able to remember all the magical times we had together without this intense feeling of guilt and regret.
I've had so many friends offer me support and kind words knowing how much I loved him and how much they loved him too. I just can't bring myself to speak to anyone though, not yet, as soon as I try I just burst into tears. I'm hoping writing this post may help me get through this. So I'm sending this out to the blog-o-sphere, and to my boy.
Samurai I've loved you like no other, for all the things I may have done wrong in my life there must have been something I did right to deserve such an amazing dog. You were such a loyal, loving and gentle giant. A true gentleman and I was blessed to have had your love. I love you so much and will never forget you my darling boy.